Snow day

On my day off I stayed in bed all day. I watched Shawshank Redemption and slept. I didn't do anything fun. I was home alone all day. Then I watched Gilmore Girls for a few hours. And went to bed around 2 in the morning. That's all I did all day. Nothing exciting. 

Free write

    Why do high schoolers have to be so busy. We have so much stuff to do we have no time left for social activities or sleep! My schedule includes work, archery Thuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Color guard Wednesday, and Thursday. Plus school, and whatever homework I have. I've been so tired lately, I don't even know the last time I felt not tired. Why do Americans feel the need to constantly be on the go? 

Middle school

    A comon converstaion that occurs in my group of friends is middle school. Middle school is just a horrible experience for everyone. They take tweens that are going through the most awkward, horemone filled time of thier lives, and shove them in a building together.  Everyone trying to figure out what it means to be 'looking for yourself'. You don't know that your supposed to be confused. In middle school your like "yeah, this is me" when in reality you have absolutely no idea what your doing, because your just going whatever everyone else is doing.

   In high school you start to realize that you have no clue what your doing. You realize that anything that happens in middle school, has no worth. Middle school is nothing but torture. High school, you start looking for yourself. You start to think about who you want to be. Middle school is just 3 years of puberty filled torture. 

Regrets

        I guess this started a year ago. I spent a weekend away from all my friends and family. Not talking to anyone. And I realized I was depressed. So I told my boyfriend. And he just kind of blew it off and told me I didn't have a reason to be depressed. That's what started our issue.he was upset that I wasn't happy, because I had every reason to be happy. I had told him that something had to change, anything. But nothing ever changed.

        Eventually we just started growing apart. We hung out less, we talked less. We spent more time with our group of friends than with eachother. One of his best friends started talking to be about my depression, we got pretty close. We had been friends since like 7th grade but now we were getting closer. And one day we kissed. Don't know how it happened, don't know why. But it happened.

        The next day I told my boyfriend. I told him I hadn't been happy, which he knew, and the kiss just happend. And that I was so sorry. I said I still wanted to be friends, and we are. I'd say were still in love, but I guess were better without eachother. 

       The end result was our entire group of friends split up, we haven't hung out in months. It's awful, I'm miserable for ruining such a good friendship between the 10 of us. But I'm finally happy again, so I don't 100% regret it. But I'm not proud of the way things happened. 

Fall break

     I started my fall break by working Wednesday night 4-9. I went home and slept. Got up Thursday morning and went out to eat with Jessica, Zoei, and Taylor. We went to Cracker Barrel. Then we came back to town and I hung out with Scott until 4 when I went in for work. I got off at 9 then skyped with Scott until 2:30 in the morning

     Friday Scott and his cousin came over around noon. Then the three of us, and Jarod went to see Gone Girl. We came home, then went on a walk. After that Mary came over, around 1 Scott and his cousin left and Mary and I went to sleep. We woke up, ate breakfast, talked about life, then I went to work at 4. Then I went home, skyped Scott, and played minecraft with my sisters. We were up til around 3. Then Sunday, I went to work, got off early at 8:40. Scott happened to be in town so he picked me up, drove me home. I ate dinner, then I messed around on my computer. Pretty exciting. 

If I were an animal

     If I were an animal I would be a cat. Cats don't have any responsibilities. Cats don't have to worry about thinking. Cats just eat and sleep. They love to be cuddled but can walk away when they want to. Cats do what cats want.

     Cats don't really have a purpose. I'm only 16 and I'm already tired of this adult life thing tat we have to do. I don't want to have responasblities anymore. I want to be able to eat and sleep away my problems. I don't want to have to do anything.

     I don't want to have to make in impact in the world. I like the idea of shutting myself in. Not having to talk to people. And if I do chose to talk to people I like the idea of being able to just walk away when I want to. I want to be able to live on my own terms, I just want to be a cat. 

Embarrassing stories

At my first rock concert I passed out. We were in a mosh pit. And I felt it coming so I turned around and put my arms around Nick. And the next thing I knew a stranger was carrying me up the stairs. Then I had to get intarogated on why Iaased out. About a week later all my friends told me my shirt basically came off. They still make fun of me for it. 

Embarrassing stories

At my first rock concert I passed out. We were in a mosh pit. And I felt it coming so I turned around and put my arms around Nick. And the next thing I knew a stranger was carrying me up the stairs. Then I had to get intarogated on why Iaased out. About a week later all my friends told me my shirt basically came off. They still make fun of me for it. 

I walked into my house and seen

       I walked into my house and seen my sisters running around. Stephanie was laying on the couch. Gloria and Leila were chasing each other. Susanna and Divinity were beating the crap out of eachother. I walked to the kitchen to find Jarod and Trystan fighting over how to make dinner. They always make the same thing, but they never agree on how to make it. 

      I went up to my room and everyone else is scattered in thier spots warching whatever it is they watch while I'm a work. Nick and Mitchell debating natruto and karate, who knows. This is what it's like to walk into my house during the summer. 

Tell about a time a poem impacted your life

He wants to say "I love you"

But keeps it at goodnight 

Because love will mean some falling

And she's afraid of nights.

I love this poem, especially right one impending my life. I have a lot of people trying tho help me and take my walls down. But I just shove everyone away. I don't let people in, on any level really. I don't let myself feel love, so I just find this poem perfect. 

Getting home

      When Jay drops me off at my house after work is between 9 and 10. It's dark out, normally chilly. I walk on my rickidy front porch, all th rails wobble. I open the door and the blast of the AC hits me, my mom loves it cold. 

      My house smells different depending on whose been there. If all my friends hung out there while I was at work then it smells like Jacks Pizza. If my sisters have been in the kitchen, who knows what it's gonna smell like. 

     I shut the door and kick off my shoes. My cats come running up meowing. My moms tv is on in her room. She's already snoring. I go up to my room and turn on my music and get ready for bed. 

     I go back down stairs and get a snack before bed. I normally find left overs, or just a cookie and milk. The cookies are always chocolate chip, or sugar free. So not very good. 

     I walk back up to my room, running my hand up the cold sodden rail. I go in my room, which is just as cold as the living room. I shut my door, the knob is freezing. I turn on my heater and crawl into my cold sheets. I love sleeping in the cold. My bed Is so soft. 

Whose line is it anyway?

On Whose Line is it Anyway all I did was embarass myself

We improved for a movie. I voiced a woman. She was fighting with her lover but I made her yell about how hungry she was.

I felt really stupid, and embarrassed. I had a lot a fun, I laughed a lot. I made fun of myself, but I still felt really stupid. 

Free write

I'm not ready to leave high school. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay young forever. Next year Is going to be my last year, it's my last chance. It's my last year of freedom. After that I will have college, and bills, and life. I don't want to have to worry about all that. I want to stay in high school. 

I'm excited to get my life started, I have so much I want to do. It's all just happening too fast. I don't want to have big responsibilities. I want to be able to have fun. 

Free write

I'm not ready to leave high school. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay young forever. Next year Is going to be my last year, it's my last chance. It's my last year of freedom. After that I will have college, and bills, and life. I don't want to have to worry about all that. I want to stay in high school. 

I'm excited to get my life started, I have so much I want to do. It's all just happening too fast. I don't want to have big responsibilities. I want to be able to have fun. 

Your best friend has to choose between you or their significant other, why are you the best choice?

       I would be the better choice between my friends significant other and I. Relationships don't last. Love dosent last. Why would she pick him over me? We've been best friends since third grade. It's stupid to pick a love over a friend. Especially in today's society

      I have picked friends over significant others many times, and I've also picked others over friends. And that was never good. A friend is defiantly the better choice. Loves what you all to themselves. Friends are better at sharing, they don't control you, they don't try to over power you. 

      Picking a friend over a significant other is for sure the best choice. Friends care a lot more, they understand you better, and don't tie you down. Most importantly they stay longer. Friends first. Always. That's just common sence. Think about it. How long have you been friends with the person, and how long have you been infatuated with your other? Your friend comes first. 

Journal #11

T: Jazmond, I can't do this anymore

J: Yes, you can. Your such an amazing person. Don't give up.

T: but no one cares about me

J: I care about you

T: I just want to kill myself

J: Dont. Your my best friend, I can't live without you.

T: You have other friends.

J: But your my best friend. I'm not gonna lose you.

T: I'm never gonna be loved, no one cares... No one will ever care

J: But I care! Don't you dare leave me alone in this world! I know your life sucks, but so does mine! I love you! I care! I'm here whenever you need me, obviously! So don't do this! 

T: But your just one person.

J: Isnt that enough?

T: not really. 

J: I won't let you do this, man. 

T: How are you gonna stop me?

J: I just will. 

T: whatever

J: Dude, you've been my best friend since preschool, I love you with all my heart. Your not gonna leave my alone. Your so amazing. One day your gonna find an amazing woman and marry her. Your still young, you don't need love yet. But you have me, you'll always have me. Don't give up man, i need you. 

T: thanks, Jazmond. I just feel so alone

J: I know... I do too. But we'll always have each other. 

T: anyway, thanks

J: You don't have to thank me, this is what friends are for

T: I'm thanking you anyway. 

J: well, I'm here any time, you know that.

T: yeah, I know.

J: so if were both still alone when were like 40 do you wanna get married?

T: Um, no. Your like my sister

J: You said you felt alone! I would be a good companion! :P

T: no, that's weird. 

J: Fine, we can just die old and alone then!! Night!! Butthole, I would be a good wife!!

You find a letter on a plane, you decide to read it. What does it say?

Dear, mom

                 I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made. I never met to hurt you the way I did. I'm sorry I ran away as soon as I turned 18. I just needed it for me. The last thing I wanted to do was break your heart the way I did. I did good at starting my own life. I worked for a year, then started night school. I got a decent apartment. It's been amazing being on my own. 

                 I never felt like myself at home, I never felt like the same person 2 days in a row. I lost myself, and you know it. I just had to find myself. And I did. I was scared if I came home, or talked to you about how much you missed me, I would lose myself again. I never ment to go this long without you. But being alone is really working for me. 

                 I made a few friends from work, do don't worry. I'm not completely alone. I haven't talked to anyone from home since I left. I just wanted to tell you I love you, and I'm sorry. And I want to come home and see you and my sisters. I'll see you on thanksgiving. 

                                                                                        Love, your little girl. 

Journal #8

I guess today is a free write. I don't really have anything interesting to say. I haven't had a very interesting week. I lost all my friends, everyone hates me. I'm just ready for this weekend to be over and for next week to start. I'm ready for next Friday to come so I can hang out with the few friends I have left. I have to work all weekend so I won't have anyone to talk to, I'll just be alone with my thoughts. I'm just ready to be out of high school and on my own. 

Journal #7 9/11

I've never really been told that much about it. It's never really been a big part of my life. Once I got older I realized the big deal behind it. But I don't really know very much about it. My family never stressed the significance of it, I really only know what the school has told me.

I did see a documentary about a man that got bit by a really poisonous snake around the time the plane hit. And since it was an air attack a Samaritan couldn't get to him and he almost died. He lived though. That's really the only interesting thing about 9/11 I know. Besides that story about the red bandana that was really popular last year. 

We remember because it was an attack on America. And as Americans were gonna stand up for ourselves. Were gonna get revenge. Innocent people died. This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, and were showing how brave we are. 

Journal #6 break up letter

Dear, first love

               I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I never ment to hurt you like that. I always just wanted you to be happy. I got so wrapped up in that I forgot to make myself happy. And your so focused on making everyone else happy I guess you forgot about me too. 

               I hope you find a girl that will treat you better than what I did. I always tried my hardest, until you stopped trying. I don't blame you, but I also don't blame myself. It was a mutual fail between the both of us. But I definitely hurt you worse. But I guess because I could feel you starting to let go, so I started to let go, then you held on tighter. I know it's not officially over yet, but I think that's what is best for you. To find someone that will love you. 

              We promised we would always be friends if we ever ended. But after what I did you probably don't want that anymore, I respect that. So try to be happy, okay? Sorry I was such a horrible friend, but I think this is for the best. I still love you, and your still my best friend

                                                                                    Sencirely, the worst person in the world.

How do you plan to make a difference

     I plan on being a nurse when I'm older. A OB nurse. I want to help women have better pregnancies, and help them have healthier babies. Some mothers don't put thier baby first, ever. And I want to make sure there is at least one person standing up for every baby. 

     Or I might want to be a counselor and help people recover from drug use and help them get thier family and life back. I just want to help people. I want everyone to at least have one person help them through life. I don't want anyone to have to fight thier battle completely alone. 

Don't throw up on your friends

     One time I had a really bad day at work. As I was leaving my friend said something to me, nothing important. I snapped at them for nothing. Nothing bad happened as a result, were still friends. I shouldn't have gotten mad at her for something she didn't even do.

Journal #4

          I really enjoyed the guest speaker. A lot of my family members would rather do drugs than parent thier children. I actually want to peruse a career in drug counseling. Or something along those lines. Like talking to kids who have parents that put drugs first. Or talking to the parents that put the drugs first. Because I believe, no matter what kind of drug it is, it's stupid. Why ruin your health, family, and life for it? When loving your family and friends could make you so much happier. 

Journal #2 write a letter to someone you no longer talk to

Dear Travis, 

                I know we don't talk anymore, and I really miss you. You were my best friend for a while. I miss talking to you everyday. Even though we never met in person you were still really important to me. But now since you met the girl of your dreams you don't have time for me anymore. That's okay I guess. 

                Even though you promised she wouldn't change our friendship, and that we would always be close. How long did that last? Less than a month after you met her. I'm sorry for all the harsh things I said about her, I still mean everything I said though. 

                So anyway, I I guess this is goodbye forever. I hope you have a nice life and that she makes you happy. Even though I don't think you should ruin friendships for romantic relationships. But it's your life. Goodbye. 

                                                                                               Love,

                                                                                                        Jazmond 

What sucks is

What sucks is... Growing up. I hate having responsibilities. I hate having to work and balance my check book. I wanna be a kid again. What sucks is having to go to school and to work. And all the requirement the school has. I guess life itself sucks.